A Year of Self-Love: 171/365

I’ve been slacking lately; slacking from my Year of Self-Love.

Beating myself up instead of appreciating where I am right now in my journey with depression. Regretting the past and stressing about the future rather than living in the moment. Falling into the everyday routine of home/traffic/work/traffic/dinner/laundry/bedtime rather than sprinkling moments of spontaneity. But mostly, I’ve been poking and prodding at my body, squeezing the fatty parts that were once taught, pulling tight the stretch marks until they (almost) disappear, wallowing in self-pity because losing weight is hard.

It’s this never-ending cycle of “if I lose a bit of weight, I would be encouraged to eat better + move faster” and “if I eat a bit better, I’d lose a bit of weight + move  faster”. Fact is, eating well and exercising go hand-in-hand. (I know, I’ve not shared anything you haven’t heard before, but you can’t deny facts).

I’ve been slacking. It’s been a rough and bumpy road of you-should-know-betters and why-are-you-so-fats.

I’m not even that fat!

… but you can’t tell my mind that. All my mind sees is 30 pounds of stubborn weight.


To be honest, I’ve not been committed to walking consistently and I’ve definitely not been spending enough time on my yoga mat. I’ve been emotionally eating (my go-to fix when I’m feeling down and out), which doesn’t help for sure, but who can resist triple chocolate Ghiradelli brownies? Really.

But here’s the good news:

This weekend, I wore my favourite four-inch wedges for the first time since I sprained my ankle! This is my silver lining in more ways than one because what this really means for me is that my ankle is now well enough that I can start running again.

God, I’ve missed hearing the strike of my footfall and the rhythmic inhale and exhale with every third or fourth step. Walking has been great, don’t get me wrong, but there’s something about running. You feel powerful, strong, capable of more than you imagined.

It will be very slow for a while as I get my bearings, and I have to remind myself when I get out there to have zero expectations, but I’m looking forward to the next few weeks of small improvements; of 15-minute miles becoming 14-minute miles and 13-minute miles and, eventually, back to 11-minute miles.

For now, it’s one step at a time, but soon it will be giant leaps. Soon… 🙂

Peace + love


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